*I want to preface this post by saying that I often reference parents and their children throughout this particular article, but I could easily be talking about adults to adults, employer to employees, husband to wife (and vice versa), because these are issues with human behavior in general… not just children. 🙂

How many of us feel like we get constant, and I mean CONSTANT push back when asking our kids to complete chores or any tasks that they don’t consider “fun?” Ughhhh sometimes it literally feels like pulling teeth🦷 just to get your child to do what you have asked them to do. Often, it may even take hours or dayssss for them to finally finish a job.

In all fairness, I guess few kids just absolutely loooove to clean their room, pick up their toys, take medicine, or (if they’re like my sister was) take baths. And if they’re a teenager, I’m pretty sure they don’t love to do anything besides Tik Tok dances, watching YouTube, and making parents miserable. (Mostly kidding 🙃). Therefore, asking them to complete any tasks that aren’t fun or entertaining to them is often a chore in itself. (See what I did there 🤓).

In other words, getting humans to do what we need them to do is difficult. People often prefer to do things that they enjoy, and they try to avoid doing things they don’t like to do. Therefore, when asking your human to do something that they don’t prefer to do, you may get some reluctance at the very least. So what do we typically do?? We continue nagging, becoming more and more frustrated as time goes by with no effort or compliance… sometimes resorting to disciplining out of emotion, or arguably worse— giving in and not following through with our demand.* 😱

P.S. Not following through with our demand* is BAD. This teaches our loved ones that if they argue, ignore, refuse, cry, tantrum, roll eyes, “forget,” etc. then they eventually get out of doing whatever we’ve asked of them. Therefore, what will likely happen next time you ask them to do something that they particularly don’t prefer to do? See, BAD. Don’t do this. 😉

Why is it important to get our kids to do what we want them to do?! Isn’t “compliance” starting to be considered a bad thing?!

Yes and no. People are starting to bash the concept of compliance, because sometimes “following directions” can lead to exploitation, a lack of self-advocacy, and other potential risks that may stem from some level of “OVER-compliance.” Therefore, we absolutely want to teach our children to stand up for themselves, discern between right and wrong, and be a good judge of character, among other things. However, we also want to ensure that they know how to work for things they want in life and accept instruction from others appropriately. We also want to teach them that sometimes, we all have to do things that we don’t want to do, including many tasks that aren’t “fun” for us. Most everyone has someone above them telling them what to do, and successful people are typically prompt and respectful in completing what has been asked of them. So, in my opinion, teaching our kids to follow instructions is a CRITICAL life skill… we just have to ensure we aren’t stopping there. 🙂

Okay, so like, what can we do?

One of the easiest, most effective strategies I’ve found for gaining healthy compliance that— are you ready for this— does NOT require any yelling, arguing, punishment, materials, or certification is…. drum roll please…. the use of something called “First/Then” contingencies.

The best part?! This can be used with any and all ages…. yes, mamas with man-children, I’m here for you too. Or maybe you’re a boss with sometimes unmotivated employees? Whether you’re a teacher, wife, parent, CEO… I got you. I promise this has been SO helpful to me with verbal, nonverbal, adults, teens, children, my fiancé😉, MYSELF… you name it.

Finally getting to the point…

The First/Then contingency consists of:

1. You present your human with an instruction that they are typically more reluctant to complete or maybe you just know them well enough to predict that getting them to comply will be a struggle. Or maybe it’s a longer or more difficult task than they are used to. You start by saying, “First ____________ (insert instruction here).”

2. Then, you follow it up with the opportunity for them to engage in a task or activity that they DO like! You do this by saying, “Then _________________ (insert preferred item/activity here.)”

Example: First, do your homework. Then, you can play video games.

Example: First, let’s brush your teeth. Then, we can watch Paw Patrol.

Example: First, do your laundry. Then, we can go shopping.

Example: First take out the trash, then you can take your 15 min break.

Example: First, mow the yard, and then I figured we could go to the movies!

Example: First, ask nicely. Then, I will pass you the bowl.

Example: First, study for your test, then you can binge-watch watch The Office. (K, this one may or may not be a self-implemented contingency😅)

It’s really sooo simple and sooo effective if implemented correctly.

Tips for Implementation:

1. You should use this when you are FIRST delivering a particular demand* to someone. Asking someone to do something—> them throwing a fit or arguing—> you then promising something good to come after they complete the task= that’s more like bribery and is counterproductive because it is, in a sense, rewarding their refusal or reluctant behavior.

2. Be kind when you give instructions to someone. Model the type of behavior and tone you want to see from others. When the do complete a task you’ve asked of them, don’t forget to let them know it’s appreciated!

3. Your loved one may still try to give push back, especially at first. Hold your ground and stay consistent. I would just repeat my First/Then statement. 🙂

4. Sometimes, it may be necessary to block access to other preferred items or activities. For example, your child is asked to first pick up his/her blocks, then he/she will get to play on the iPad. Wellllll, because kids are oh-so-creative, they will often settle for doing ANY other fun activity that they can access as long as it doesn’t consist of picking up those stinkin’ blocks (e.g. watching TV). In this case, you could just turn off the TV or stand in front of/block access to the other toys while reminding your child “First, blocks. Then, play.” Once they pick up their blocks, provide lots of praise and allow access to the iPad or whatever the “preferred” items/activity may be. :)))

5. For younger humans, I like to hold up a 1 with my finger to signify “First” and a 2 to signify “Then.” I have also used a marker board from the Dollar Tree (pictured below— I’ve had it for years… don’t judge😂) to write the words “First” and “Then” and draw a picture under each to indicate what I am asking of them and also what they will get to do afterwards. Never underestimate the power of visuals!!! However, just a reminder—materials are not required by any means!

PSA!! Pretty please do not, I repeat.. DO NOT give in and allow them access to the preferred item/activity UNTIL they have completed the task demand you provided. See above for why this would be VERY BAD. (Hashtag don’t be like Bob! 😉)

I sincerely hope this info was at least somewhat useful to you! Please feel free to reach out and let me know if you have any feedback or questions!! I would also loveeee to hear any other concerns or issues regarding the behavior of others (or yourself) that you would like to learn more about ❤️ I will have more behavior-related posts coming soon.

QUESTION: Do you have any examples of how you have effectively used a First/Then contingency? Share below!!

Time-Out— what I meant to say is…

FIRST, give us an example of how you have used a First/Then Contingency. THEN, I will comment back to tell you how awesome you are. 😎

OR if you haven’t ever tried using the First/Then Contingency before, TRY it out over the next week and comment below to let me know how it went!!! ❤️